I am..a vague confession...

I am a penny on the sidewalk.
I am the shadow of a tree overlooking the front yard.
I am a dirty mirror on a wall.
I am the pillow he rests his head on.
I am the tension in the room.
I am the bookmark on page 238.
I am the heart of diamonds on the bracelet of the trohpy wife.
I am the snarl of an angry dog protecting what's hers.
I am the swirl of the dress at a Sweet Sixteen.
I am the ringing of the phone at late hours of the night.
I am the second set of footprints that overlap the first.
I am the tears that the girl in the mirror wipes away.
I am the creaky noise that the staircase makes.
I am the silence in the dead of night.
I am the embrace between two friends.
I am the knot in a throat before a confession.
I am the thriving life under a moist rock. haha.
I am the comfortable silence in my utopia.
I am the lonliness of a single woman's apartment.
I am the hobby she takes up to forget about her lonliness.
I am the relief of hearing him ask her out.
I am a dream and the dreamer.

I Don't Remember...

I don't remember the last time I wore my white heels.
I don't remember meeting my manager.
I don't remember 85% of tenth grade or was it ninth??...i don't know why...
I don't remember my Pocahontas birthday party.
I've seen pictures which serve as the only proof.
I don't remember when the Queens Center Mall was being reconstructed.
I don't remember the dress I tried on before I picked the one I wanted to wear to my Jr/Sr Banquet.
I don't remember why I had hope...I just did.
I don't remember why I felt strong enough to let myself feel human again...
When I did feel human, I don't remember what caused me to become numb before.
When I got hurt from feeling human again, I don't remember why I allowed it...and strangely, didn't regret it..
I don't remember the last time I saw my best friend before she moved to Tennessee three years ago.
I don't remember what inspired me to right this opposite to my last entry. But it did, I did, and I don't regret it.
I do regret not being able to remember what I don't remember...

What I remember...

I remember how my friend and I use to drink italian dressing straight from the packet when we were kids.
I remember my mother not letting me go out to play in the snow because I lost one of my snow boots, I remember feeling jealous as I saw my little brother playing in the snow in the backyard.
I remember crying at a poem by best friend wrote about me after she told me she was moving away.
I remember following a trail of money from my bedroom to the living room, according to my age, every birthday till I was 15. (15 pennies, 15 nickels, 15 dimes, etc.)
I remember the first time I was captivated by the farmer boy in plaid burning up toast with his heat vision and getting hooked on Smallville. lol
I remember the first time he held my hand, and how comfortable it felt.
I remember hating Time when we finally arrived in front of my house.
I remember shopping for sheet lyrics in the rain with my friend Miya on fifth ave after school one day.
I remember how it took me two hours to learn how to take in and take out my contact lenses. I was so frustrated and my eyes were so irritated by the time I left the optometrist.
I remember not wanting to go into the funeral home for my godfather's wake because I knew it would hurt too much and wanting to be strong for my godmother.
I remember punching my classmate in the face in fifth grade for making fun of my brother. That earned me my first and only detention ever.
I remember getting lost in La Plaza in Madrid, Spain in the pouring rain.
I remember horseback riding for a psychology trip and how it started to hail halfway through the trail, which only made the horses run faster and the experience more exhilarating.
I remember my dad waking up early in the morning to make us breakfast to eat in the car before we got to school, everyday.
I remember watching The Ringer for the first time with my two best friends and my homeroom teacher. ("When the f*** did we get ice cream?!?") lmbo!
I remember mountain climbing and taking 15 minutes to get 3 feet up at one point. I remember how the view from the top was worth the time, the dirt in my hair, and the fact that I had ten minutes to get back down because it was time to go.
I remember spray painting some t-shirts for my class to wear on Twin Day for Spirit Week with my friends and teacher. We were all prisoners with shirts spray painted with our student number and our teacher was our prison warden. The back of our shirts had 'Release Date' and the date of our graduation spray painted on it.
I remember going to the batting cages with the first time. I wasn't expecting to actually get into the cage so I was unprepared with heels and a skirt. I had more fun than I ever thought I would.
I remember being in the Spongebob Squarepants 3D ride at Six Flags and having to ride it again because someone unbuckled their seatbelt and it had to be restarted...when it had two minutes of the ride left to go.
I remember the day my guy friend left New York. The class surprised him with a party and we sang Graduation by Vitamin C.
I remember reading Les Miserables in class...and loving every line of the book.
I remember singing 'Toxic' with my best friend in the back seat of her dad's car.
I remember realizing that I was going to lose my best guy friend, and having my heart break when I did.
I remember watching Nick Pitera on youtube and being amazed!
I remember...that I have bad memory and there are alot of things I didn't remember while doing this assignment...and wishing I could remember things in vivid pictures.

Being Borderline...in mid December...

Original Date: December 12th, 2008


The arm punching, the hand holding. Its a small sample of what being borderline is all about. The line between best friends...and becoming more. Its an unusually confusing place to be. Wanting things to stay the same, all the while wondering if things can get any better than they are. Being with someone that somehow seems to brighten everything around yu on yur worst day... and yu want them so much...and suddenly..it comes to yu; yu want them more than yu would want a best friend...yu want to wrap yur arms around them and look into their eyes. Yu want to kno what they are thinking and know that yu are in their thoughts. And when yu come to realize this, yu feel...bewildered. At yur newfound desires. Its surprising to yurself how much yu feel. And oh what yu wouldn't do for them; to protect them, to make them happy, to keep them...to have them? Why yu dismiss the thought at once. They're yur best friend! Its selfish...to want them all to yurself...its seems selfish to want to change the way things are because yur heart is crying out for them. No! --...but..what if??....Isn't that what it always comes down to? What if?? Yu become so confused as yu begin to hold their hand and stare into their eyes...and rest yur head on their shoulder..yu feel the same emotion being returned and a whole new dilema begins...is it worth it. The friendship. To risk it? Yur head starts to whirl as yu let yur mind wrap around the endless possibilities..it becomes...intoxicating. And yu come to yur conclusion. Yu don't know what yu want...right?? Can yu handle it? The friendship without the 'more than friendly' moments? Can yu handle the thought of someone else being with that person yu care about so much? Imagine someone making them happy, the way yu only dreamed of making them happy?? Can yu handle the thoughts of someone else's fingers intertwined with theirs the way yurs once were? So perfect and comfortable...now only a heart throbbing memory? And why? Because yu chose not to risk it, not to take the chance and discover how incredible things could've been. No. Stop. The conflict is...agonizing. As I sit here and write, my mind flashes to his face, to our moments. Moments that I've been told not to take too seriously and yet--..here I sit with a knot in my throat and clenched teeth. No. Not my best friend...right? How to explain this feeling. The aching desire to touch his face and be able to call him mine...and still...I don't want that..Not if it means losing him, oh no. I would never allow myself to be the cause of our permanent departure..I won't be the blame. But how to ignore my feelings? I must, i already know that..but how? Seperation won't do. It would only make things worse, to deeal with the longing of having him with me. I must stay silent..keep my thoughts from wandering for a while. At least until I can accept the fact that we do not want the same things... and at the same time we do??I don't evn know what that really means.... I must stay silent now...for our sake, for the best friendship we share and do not dream of losing..

I am friends with someone's Mr. Right...

The hardest of feelings are those that you can't explain. It's like having an illness you don't know the name to, yet you are able to describe the symptoms. The feeling of...happiness that doesn't quite make sense to you. It's frustrating, you don't really know what it is that you want, but you know that you've been thinking about someone that has you smiling a lot lately. And you know you don't want it to stop. It's a wonderful feeling, some would even say blissful, but it's addicting too, always finding a way to get your next fix from the person that you can't seem to stay away from. I am friends with some lucky girl's Mr. Right. My best friend is the most amazing guy I have ever met without a doubt. He is very special for me because he is the only one that keeps me sane in this crazy world that we live in. He's someone that I wouldn't know what to do if had to live without him. Any girl that has met him is a fool for not snatching him up. The first time he referred to me as his best friend...I just remember feeling so important. I felt...wanted. There is nothing I wouldn't do for him and I hope he knows that. If there's anything I've learned as an outsider is that things fall in place for those who wait, and for those who wait even though they're sick and tired of waiting. I want him to know that he is the most important person for me right now and I care about him sooo much. (You got that? Nobody like you. Remember that!)
xoxo, Modern Day Juliette

He's Good...She's...

He's really something.
He's such a player, and don't get me wrong...
He's good at his game. A master.
His smile makes girls vulnerable to his
intoxication.
His swagger makes them glance with
wonder.
His hands around her waist make her go "oh dear!"
His walk towards her, leaves her with
suspense.
He's a smooth talker.
He's a troublemaker and a bad boy...and he knows it.
He's good at his game. A master.
He's such a player.
Damn, he's good.

She's really something.
Such silent sweetness.
She's feisty too.
The return of her smile is
inviting.
The way she turns away to ignore him makes him walk faster towards her.
Her hand in his makes him wonder if she'll follow..
As he walks away and notices the distance, her far away figure has him thinking.
She talks with a cautious and playful tone.
She's too much of a good girl for him.
Such silent sweetness.
Damn, she's better...
...too bad she'll never be his...

Quote of the Day...

"Love is never wanting to lose faith, never wanting to give up, and never truly moving on. Love is knowing and praying in the deepest part of what’s left of your heart that they feel the same.

xoxo, Modern Day Juiette